veritasaequitas's Blog

Last Game of the Season

Played the last game of the season tonight.  We were 1-13 this season ::gag::.  Not that big of a deal.  We're talking about a c-league hockey team so it's not like ESPN is going to be in to scout or anything.  

Still staying at my grandmothers.  It's been about a month now.  She's coming back in a couple days which should make things a little less difficult, but we'll see.  The 92 year old I'm staying with is driving me nuts some days and not so much other days.  He just likes to talk on and on where as I need a little more alone time.  Another reason I'm never getting married and never having kids.  

I've come to the conclusion that I'm an inconsiderate jerk that doesn't care about anyone but himself as of late.  I don't want anyone to take care of.  I just want to do my own thing and be left alone most of the time.  I don't want to be rushed along, and I don't like waiting on people.  I like being able to decide to do something on the drop of a dime and going and doing it or doing it later that night over having to run it by a girlfriend or a wife or any of that shit.  I'm thinking maybe this isn't such a good thing, but I don't know.  I hear that isolation is considered torture in prison in some countries, but I get into these little trances so to speak where I kind of zone out and don't want to move, which makes isolation in prison sound not so bad.  However, I don't intend on going to prison so hopefully I'll never have to worry about it (I've never committed a crime so I don't see why I would need to go).  I don't know if I could handle isolation or not seeing as I find stimulation from other things (reading, writing, youtube, music, etc.), and you don't get much of anything in iso.  

Yeah thats enough.  

Hockey Game and joining a gym

Took a tour of a gym today and decided to join.  It seemed nice enough to accomodate my needs, and for 10 bones a month for a basic non-tanning non-massage table membership seemed worth it.  They say they don't push you as hard as some gyms and there are no meat heads so to speak so I guess it's worth a shot.  I'd like to be a police officer, but I'm kind of running out of time.  My first step is getting back into shape.

Had a hockey game tonight.  There was some drama as usual seeing as our captain in lieu of our captain captain not playing with us most nights is a bit of a drama queen.  A lot of screaming matches, one scrap that was broken up before it began, and one full fledged scrap made it an interesting night.  I don't see why it has to escalate to that level at a c-league team game but boys will be boys.  :)

Deleted the Dating website profile

I was on POF for a month and just deleted my profile.  No hits, no messages, obviously no fucking dates, no nothing.  I figured that would be the case.  I figure I can spare myself the disappointment of no messages every time I open my e-mail or log into the site.  Nothing new on that front.

So two of my siblings, both younger than me have scored and intership and a real job with two good compaines.  Yet again, I'm being left behind.  I can't help but feel pathetic in this situation.  I kept getting the door slammed in my face and eventually moved out of those majors to get a general degree seeing as I wasn't pulling my weight anyway and moved on to something that would accomodate my piss poor GPA.  I graduated and here I am.  Still pathetic, still with a low income job.  Hopefully I'll be able to climb the ladder but we'll see what happens.  Everyone else around me is flirting, fucking, getting married, getting good jobs, and just thriving and somewhere I got off track.  I don't know what to do anymore.  


Nothing new here

Title explains it all.  Not hits on the dating website, still working full time, still fucking hate people.  
Been learning a lot of new things at work as of late.  I've been climbing the kitchen ladder so to speak.  Management is looking like more of a reality, but I still have some time before I can even apply.  We'll see what happens I suppose.  
Still not hits on the dating website as mentioned.  I don't know if I should continue or not.  There are 7 people now that want to meet me, two of them now mutual, but I'm a little too skittish to make the first move based on past history.  I don't know.  If anyone looks to good I assume catfish, but I've been wrong before.  


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Dating website

So I joined a dating website today.  I'm trying a free one.  I'm 99% certain I'm wasting my fucking time but I've been wrong before.  We'll see.  

So I've been going to bed, waking up several hours before my alarm goes off refreshed, and finding myself exhausted by the time the alarm does go off.  It's pissing me off severely.  

Two blogs in 24 hours.  That's a record as of late.  

Taxes... and bad news

Went to have my taxes done a little while ago.  My fucking fees are more than my fucking return.  I'm no longer getting the student credit.  I don't have enough to cover the fees right now.  I was planning on using the majority of my refund to help pay off one of my credit cards.  Not happening now seeing as I'm in the fucking negatives.  Thank God I got my insurance squared away, avoiding the fine there.  But for now, until I can get the money together, my taxes aren't filed yet.  I changed one of my w-4 values to get a bigger one next year, but we're talking about some time there.  I really don't want to do this anymore.  It isn't just the tax issue.  It's the downward sloping path I've been on lately.  UGGH. 

Lazy Day

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Second Hockey Game and bruised up knees

Had my second game last night.  Fell over another player, basically did a face plant, and came down on my knees just above where my shin guards protect my knees.  My left knee took the worst of it.  Just a bad bruise luckily.  Still hurts like a bitch though.  My highschool coach was always referring to "paying the price."  He was referring to taking a hit to keep the puck in play.  Luckily I don't have to worry about that so much seeing this is a non-checking league, but I was getting knocked around a bit last night, so in turn I sort of paid the price I guess.  It was worth it.  I'm happy to be back doing it again.  Looks like my brother is getting into it as well, which is awesome (I did no coaxing whatsoever, he saw a pro game and was into it).  We'll see where he goes with it.  

Saw some bitch I used to work with at Chipotle the other night.  I'm not sure if she saw me or not, but as I was walking out, she was walking in with I'm assuming her boyfriend/husband not sure.  The guy was cool (we didn't talk), he gave me a smile, a nod, and let me through the door.  The girl didn't even look at me, and it took me a minute to register who it was.  She was gorgeous, but as I mentioned, a very unpleasant individual.  Small world I suppose.  

Mystery Shop and Click

Had a mystery shop today.  I could use the extra money right now.  It was for a car dealership.  Test drove a brand new car.  It was kind of fun actually.  I got 17 bucks to get my ass kissed and check out new cars.  Fun stuff.  

New hockey season starts this week.  Something to look forward to.  I played in a pick up game last night.  It was a good time.  I actually pulled my weight so I wasn't to irritated by the end of the night.  

Watched Click today.  Any time I watch a movie involving a family and whatnot kind of depresses me lately.  They're like illusions of this perfect life working out and everything is peachy in the end, but it never worked like that for me.  I'm growing more and more detatched from everything the older I get, or so it seems anyway.  Now relating this to Click, Adam Sandlers character has this gorgeous wife he can't appreciate at first, and then his son gets married to this gorgeous girl, and I'm thinking to myself "What the hell happened in my life?"  On my birthday my sisters boyfriends sister was with us, and shes living in california I believe somewhere designing for a company, and she found these amazing friends in college and everything worked out perfectly for her.  Then there was me.  I found no friends in college, gave up on it completely, and nothing worked out perfectly for me.  There was no amazing gorgeous girl, well there were but they wanted nothing to do with me so I never found the romance and got married like I pictured I would when I was younger.  I think I have some mental issues because everything that everybody else sees as normal is abnormal to me.  I'm fucking 26 and I've done pretty much nothing with my life so far because everything I keep attempting keeps falling through the cracks.  High school and college were nothing like I hoped and dreamed they would be.  They were pretty much the exact opposite.  Nothing is changing either.  I really don't know what my fucking problem is but I'm starting to make sense of my interest in science fiction and fantasy.  It's not real.  Things work out most of the time.  Even the epic disasters find ways to correct themselves.  These movies that paint these perfect love stories and perfect friendships and happily ever after in the suburban human context are fucking bullshit.  

Financial Issues

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AHL Practice at my home rink

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Job interview... rejection

Had a group job interview today.  Didn't get the job.  I'm not happy about this.  Enough said.  A shitty night at work didn't help either.  I'm fucking exhausted right now.  I'm getting really fucking sick of people in general nowadays.  I'm feeling a little like Dr. Manhattan right now.  "I'm tired of earth.  These people.  I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives."  I'm feeling little connection to anything or anyone right now.  I don't know what I want, and I'm so detached I'm not sure how friendship for anyone exists anymore.  It seems like the only time anyone wants to be around anyone is if they have something to gain, so seeing two males out together just to hang out seems foreign.  It seems like I'm always on the outside.  I don't know what I should be feeling now.  Should I feel lonely now?  Do people do things together just for the sake of being with that person?  I can't figure this out for the life of me.  

First Refereed Hockey Game in over a decade

Good times tonight.  As stated, I played my first game with a league I joined.  Went pretty well.  This was my first game with a ref in over ten years, and I must say it feels good to be back.  I didn't make any monstrous mistakes, my plus minus was at 0, and I was able to set up a couple plays.  I also managed to get a decent shot on goal off of a rebound.  Mind you this is just C league, so it's not very competitive, but it was fun to say the least.  I've been playing pick up and was talked into joining the league by one of the rink managers after a session.  I'm feeling a bit like Rocky Balboa in his most recent film where he boxes for the first time in forever despite being an old fart, and even though he lost, he got something back.  I feel like I got a small piece of myself back tonight that I haven't had in a long time.  It's something to look forward to other than the same day to day bullshit I've been dealing with for over a decade now.  
Not much else to babble on about.  

A Visit at work from an old asshole...

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Guardians of the Galaxy

Went and saw guardians of the galaxy tonight.  The whole talking raccoon thing was kind of a deterrent when I was first seeing the trailers, but it actually turned out to be a fantastic movie.  The visuals were awesome, with a bunch of crazy aliens and species of aliens running around.  From a biological and anthropological standpoint it was vastly inaccurate (raccoons don't have the ability to produce human speech, and the odds of aliens in a galaxy far away from ours speaking english and other humans biologically identical to earth humans on other planets far from ours is based on my understanding next to impossible), but it's fiction so it doesn't have to be.  I will say I was also a little disappointed with Groots vocabulary, which was limited to "I am Groot," but despite this he was a likable character.  I was hoping given his appearance he would have more of a Dr. Manhattan vibe to him, instead of the three word vocabulary and quite dopey behavior he displays in the movie.  However, it was still a great movie, and worth checking out if you're into the science fiction stuff.

Finding myself extremely attracted to a girl I'm working with.  But I'm doing my best to not get my hopes up, because I already know it's not happening.  Frustrating beyond belief yes, but I gurantee this girl is taken and I'm not interested in getting crushed again.  This is why I gave up on the situation 5 years ago.  I'm just grateful she's actually nice to me, compared to most girls that look as half as good as she does that treat me like I'm the fucking plague.  Whatever.  

Car brakes, 630 bucks... ugh

Got my car back today after about 5 days because my damn brakes quit on me again.  630 dollars to fix.  I'm not too please about this.  Only missed one day of work luckily.  
Life is dragging on.  I'm still working two jobs, and it's pretty much the SSDD situation.  No friends or girlfriends to pester me, just work, home, blah blah blah.  It's nice to be graduated, but every day that passes, the more I'm kind of feeling cheated from my high school and college years.  They're over, I can't get them back, and I missed out on a lot of experiences that I should have learned and developed from but didn't.  Part of me feels behind, and I'm not sure if I'm still viewed as a stupid kid anymore or not at 25.  For instance, I'm at work, and one of my work mates was asking me if I was married.  I responded no obviously, but I don't know if I'm supposed to be married now, or if I'm supposed to be still screwing around and meeting people or what the deal is.  All the lines are getting blurred and I'm still kind of stuck in my high school and college years because I didn't really live them.  I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling now.  
Been relapsing on Mushroomhead lately, due mostly to my favorite misheard lyric from them.  The actual lyric is "look back with resentment" but I heard it as "the wrath of the sandman" when I was listening to it a long time ago.  
Ideas for a sequel to my unpublished book have been flooding my mind lately.  The problem with the ideas is that they're not adding up to a plot, but just some new creatures, some potential character development, and ideas for good scenes so to speak.  Haven't written anything down yet but I'm not sure if I should try to get the first one published first before screwing with a new one or if I should just start writing again.  

Won't be going to any bars again any time soon

Stopped by a local bar after work tonight to see if my sister needed a ride.  It was a relatively terrifying experience.  I'm walking through hunting my sister down, and eventually gave up and sat at the bar.  She was spotted at the register and I went over to greet her, but she didn't need the ride because she was going to be way later.  Went back to the bar and finished my coke and left.  I was literally terrified with all the people around, most of them looking close to my age.  I'm feeling a little defeated I'll admit.  I have this serious inability to connect with anyone, and I haven't felt my agoraphobia this bad in awhile.  Is this normal?  
Overheard a conversation going on right next to me.  A girl approaches a guy and they start chatting.  This again, seems very abnormal for me, as this happens to me really never, except for the one exception detailed in two of my previous blogs.  Eventually the guy is invited over to the girls table.  Again, this seems like a very abnormal event for me.  I've been told that I have a don't approach me vibe by a stranger a few years ago.  Not sure if this is true or not.  Whatever.  I'm better off on my own anyway.  

Haven't been blogging much

Been busy as hell.  The hours at both of my jobs have increased drastically so it feels kind of non stop lately.  50 hours plus most weeks.  However, I have a shit load of student loans to pay off and money is good.  Actually have my degree in hand however, and it's a little weird not having next sememter coming up.  It's all kind of a blank slate from here on out.  Not sure what else to do but work my ass off to pay off my loans and my rising credit card debt from being unemployed for 4 months.  I'm not that deep with the credit cards, nothing that can't be paid off relatively quickly with a real job, but yeah, it's up there.  
Not sure what lies ahead.  I'm not worried per se, but it's just weird not knowing exactly what's next.  Not to mention I don't have any friends to bounce ideas off of.  Although I had a tarot reading done recently saying that a girl was going to approach me that would seem unobtainable, a relationship would ensue, and she would help me with this (if you believe such things, I do but I understand if you think I'm a whackjob).  I think the girl approached me, but given my fuck everyone instinct, not to mention the lack of clarity as to who she was saying hello to, I basically non-verbally told her to fuck off, which was the plan anyway because of the last girl that approached me in a bar that gave me her number but never answered (I had already given up on that aspect of life then).  I had my next class with her as well, and as she was walking out, she was glaring at me like she wanted to decapitate me and feed my body to a pack of wild dogs.  I don't know.  Don't really care at this point.  She was gorgeous, graduated cum laude, and could do way better than me.  There was another guy in these classes that she spent a lot of time with as well and I didn't want to infringe on his chances either, provided he was even interested and not in the friend zone or whatever.  
  I think the lack of social contact might be fucking me up a bit however.  I don't understand friendship so well anymore, and it doesn't seem like it exists anymore.  It seems like the only reason people socialize is for their own personal gain, and actually liking someone as a friend isn't real.  It's been a foreign idea for me for a long time and I don't know if I'm confused or fucked up or what my deal is, but the lines are starting to blur.  The entirerty of the last 11 years of my life have felt kind of unfulfilled.  I definitely missed out on a lot, but what pisses me off is that there wasn't anything I could do.  To a degree it was kind of taken from me unwillingly, because noone gave a flying fuck I existed.  
Ugh, yeah let's just leave it at that. 

College Years Wrapping Up

So I attended my last class of my college career for the time being yesterday.  I have two exams, graduation, and I'm done.  I successfully met no one on my new campus, so therefore leaving won't hurt too much, because there won't be anyone to miss.  It might sound kind of pathetic, but based on my past experience friendship doesn't last with me for whatever reason.  Yes, I missed out on a lot in both high school and college, but there wasn't much I could do.  Happy it's over and done, and I can move on, hopefully get a good job or advance in one of the two I've gotten recently (I got the second job mentioned in one of my previous blogs).  I did miss out however on all of the social stresses that come with friendships.  The arguments, potential fist fights, the cheating girlfriends, the stolen girlfriends, the backstabbing assholes I dealt with on my first campus and all the other bullshit that comes along with friendship wasn't present either which was kind of nice.  Long story short, I fucking hate people.  I just hope my brothers work out better for my mom, who are now 5 and 7.  She was just expecting me to do a lot more and actually operate like a normal college and highschool student.  Nothing I could do however.  I'm graduating, and I'll in all likelihood never see any of my former classmates (most of which I wouldn't recognize anyway because I completely avoid all of them) again, not that they give a shit anyway so it works out.  

1-20 of 194 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Last Game of the Season, posted April 28th, 2015
Hockey Game and joining a gym, posted April 13th, 2015
Deleted the Dating website profile, posted April 5th, 2015
Nothing new here, posted April 2nd, 2015
4 ******* YEARS... UNBELIEVABLE, posted March 14th, 2015
Dating website, posted February 24th, 2015
Taxes... and bad news, posted February 24th, 2015
Lazy Day, posted February 16th, 2015
Second Hockey Game and bruised up knees, posted January 28th, 2015
Mystery Shop and Click, posted January 19th, 2015
Financial Issues, posted January 10th, 2015
AHL Practice at my home rink, posted January 6th, 2015
Job interview... rejection, posted October 10th, 2014
First Refereed Hockey Game in over a decade, posted September 23rd, 2014
A Visit at work from an old *******..., posted September 4th, 2014
Guardians of the Galaxy, posted August 5th, 2014
Car brakes, 630 bucks... ugh, posted July 30th, 2014
Won't be going to any bars again any time soon, posted June 28th, 2014
Haven't been blogging much, posted June 19th, 2014
College Years Wrapping Up, posted May 2nd, 2014
Spring Break, posted March 23rd, 2014
Job Orientation tomorrow!, posted March 14th, 2014
3... *******... years..., posted March 1st, 2014
About to check out, posted February 27th, 2014
Favorite Authors Signing, posted February 26th, 2014
Finally found another job!, posted February 23rd, 2014
Moving along now, posted February 10th, 2014, 1 comment
Classes Starting up again... for the last time... for now, posted January 12th, 2014
Happy New Year!, posted December 31st, 2013
Black Friday, posted November 29th, 2013
Another reason why I don't get attached to people, posted November 5th, 2013
It's been awhile again, posted October 11th, 2013
alcohol my only friend again, posted September 2nd, 2013
School back in session, posted August 28th, 2013
Been awhile, posted August 16th, 2013
More Dating Pressure, posted July 15th, 2013
Aliens and whether or not they exist/are working with our government, posted July 13th, 2013
Talk about an interesting night at work, posted July 2nd, 2013
Summer Dragging On, posted June 15th, 2013
Summer is officially here, posted May 11th, 2013
Class is over, posted May 4th, 2013
Bad *** 5-stringer-dinger, posted April 22nd, 2013
To the union who went on strike and caused Hostess to fall..., posted April 22nd, 2013
The Perks of Being a Wallflower, posted April 12th, 2013
Alcohol my only friend :), posted April 10th, 2013
Evil Dead and Transmission issues, posted April 6th, 2013
Not much happening, posted March 19th, 2013
It's Officially been 2 years now and shes still here, posted February 27th, 2013
What the **** did I think was going to happen?, posted February 15th, 2013
About to call her... freaking the **** out..., posted February 12th, 2013
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